Mormon Quotes

Funny

Brigham Young
I suppose that, if we were in the congregations of some of our Christian fellow‑countrymen, we would not hear any children crying. I believe they have none in some societies. I am very happy to hear the children crying when it is really necessary and they cannot be kept from it. One thing is certain, wherever we go there is a proof that the people are keeping the commandments of the Lord, especially the first one—to multiply and replenish the earth.
Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses 13:300 (JournalOfDiscourses.com)
Joseph Smith
I see no faults in the Church, and therefore let me be resurrected with the Saints, whether I ascend to heaven or descend to hell, or go to any other place. And if we go to hell, we will turn the devils out of doors and make a heaven of it.
Joseph Smith, History of the Church 5:517; Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, p. 316
Harold B. Lee
As I say, it never ceases to amaze me how gullible some of our Church members are.
Harold B. Lee, "Admonitions for the Priesthood of God", Ensign, Jan 1973
Daniel C. Peterson
The total depravity of those who disagree with me is an important article of my personal faith.
Daniel C. Peterson, Sic et Non
D. Michael Quinn
Oct 23, 1946 ‑ BYU campus newspaper reports that professor of religion Richard Thomson, announced in a class that "during a vision last night, it was made known to me that 'you bet' is the anglicization of "hubet," the pure Adamic word for "you're welcome." Either the word has survived relatively intact for many millennia, or else it was revealed to the true Saints in the nineteenth century as part of the restoration of all things. Personally, I support the latter view." This announcement leads to the creation of the "Hubet Society of BYU" (HSBYU), which in turn leads to an attempt to create an Adamic 101 course. The entire movement is crushed when Jesse Wright, Provo Central Stake president, speaks at a BYU fireside and calls Professor Thomson, who lived in the stake, "insane," "an apostate and a heretic." Professor Thomson soon disappears from BYU.
D. Michael Quinn, Mormon Hierarchy
D. Michael Quinn
One of [J. Reuben Clark's] "fundamental rules" was "that I never read anything that I know is going to make me mad, unless I have to read it. To this rule I have added another, which is applicable here: I read only as time permits materials which merely support my own views." This stunned fellow lawyer Wilkinson to whom he wrote this explanation, "You do not have to get very far down in any article before you can tell whether or not the fellow is writing or saying something that is generally along the line of your own beliefs." More often he did not bother to read publications before dismissing their significance. Thus, he could draft a two‑page list of general criticisms about Fawn M. Brodie's biography of Joseph Smith and write a proposed review of the book even though he had not read it. In this letter to his brother Frank, Reuben explained that he circulated his proposed review among trusted friends "who have read the book." They told him that his sight‑unseen evaluation "more or less characterizes the whole treatment" in Brodie's No Man Knows My History. For example, his proposed review stated: "While the book seems popularly to be appraised as a chronicle of new and hitherto unpublished documents giving a true picture of the Prophet Joseph, the fact is it is almost wholly a rehash of charges against the Prophet that began to be made over a hundred years ago, which, being then discarded, were buried as base falsehoods. Since then they have from time to time been dug up and paraded again, only to be reburied because again found false. They are now dug up again and re‑paraded from motives that are quite apparent from the book itself. ... There is very little material used or cited that has not been already published. The book has a veneer of pseudo‑scholarship." That was a remarkable set of observations by someone who had not actually read the book he was formally reviewing.
D. Michael Quinn, Elder Statesman: A Biography of J. Reuben Clark
J. Reuben Clark
It is a waste of lather to shave an ass.
J. Reuben Clark, Letter from J. Reuben Clark to John M. Riggs
Bill Maher
So by the power granted to me by the Blair Witch, schlemiel schlimazel, e plurbis mumbo jumbo, expecto patronum, sussussudio, yo momma... I call upon the Mormon spirits to leave your body the fuck alone. Brother Edward, in this world you had to put up with Mitt Romney, you've suffered enough!
Bill Maher, Un‑baptising Mitt Romney's father‑in‑law, who was baptised for the dead
Thomas S. Monson
Several years ago my dear wife went to the hospital. She left a note behind for the children: "Dear children, do not let Daddy touch the microwave," followed by a comma, "or the stove, or the dishwasher, or the dryer." I'm embarrassed to add any more to that list.
Thomas S. Monson, Abundantly Blessed, Sunday Afternoon Session of the 178th Annual General Conference
© 2011 - 2013